Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Halfway the depth of my soul/ wikipedia self analysis part 2

So sometimes when i have time i really thirst for knowledge about the minutia of the world. I think about myself, how i affect other people and whether i'm crazy or merely eccentric. Since i can only afford one shrink but have enough crazy to keep like 5 of them working full time i need other mechanisms to cope with the aild ball of chaos that is my head. Anyway, indulge yourself in this quiz and see if you have a similar slice of pizza in the big pie that is the human psyche.
- do you --

- often feel like you are unable to stop the speed that your mind is functioning?
- do your accelerated thoughts seem especially well crafted?
- speak in rhyme or alliteration without any previous forethought or seemingly reflectively ?
- have an ability to respond quickly in verbal conversations to the point of being witty?
- experience depression after a social situation?
- have a pervasive elevated or euphoroic state?
- Little need for/inability to sleep?
- prolonged periods of creativity?
- seem to have an extra dose of confidence than most?
- Experience "pressured speech" (tendency to speak rapidly and frenziedly)
- pursue unrealistic sexual relationships?
These are all traits of a disorder known as Hypomania and I know i have felt most of the symptoms at one point or another. Perhaps most of us have. It seems benign enough, even somewhat beneficial. Certainly that would seem to make it pretty low in the self destruction scale, right? Not always... maybe not even all that often
Maybe whats more important than realizing i had experienced all if the above at some point or another; but instead how many times i have felt ALL of them at once. There's a sad aspect to the pressured speech, the auto pilot aspect to this. Sometimes witty crosses over to cruel and self confidence starts down the road to deluded megalomania and self destructive aspects. One trait mentioned is a tendency towards risky behavior/sexual adventuring. Again, seems sort of cool, but when followed by prolonged depresssion it can really become an issue. Hypomaniacs suffer, but not alone. They leave a wake of carnage behind them when they are on a roll, which can last weeks.
At best you are Andy Warhol & Mick Jagger all rolled up into one, at worst your Syd Barret and Jackson Pollack rolling around in misery and self criticism. There's no self protective aspect to the disorder, which some think is a adaptive evolutionary trait. The quickness and cruel wit that can be turned on others can also turn inward, tearing at the failures and shortcomings of our souls just below the surface. A terrible place, a place you know well if you have this disorder. Still it's a valuable place, a place where answers can be found. The number one thing that a person experiencing this can do is commit to go to a shrink. I'm glad i did, instead of only just self analyzing on the web. If your hypomaniac your neaver gonna be able to committo changing it without help. It's instinctual in you, it's your nature to be the forst one to say something, and it usually works, so you self edit less & less, never for a moment considering how your slowly poisoning a social well with overarching conversational hegemony. Even the funniest movie or the most interesting book needs closure, which is hard fo those of us who live life like we were shot out of a fucking cannon
I don't know, i don't have all the answers, thats what wikipedia is for.

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