Thursday, December 16, 2010

What do you think of root beer? Larry King packs it in

Tonight is Larry King's final show. For those who want to know what president clinton thinks about root beer it's an apocalypse. Who can forget him in the desert discussing Roswell? Possibly the worlds stupidest remote location.
His show routinely racks up high rating by getting the Biggest News Makers first. This sounds good until you consider on an average week that term can include Ted Danson, Jimmy Smits, henry Kissenger, Heidi Montag and the Cast of GLEE. When something momentous DOES actually happen the people involved will surely be on his show first. This also sounds good until you consider Larry will ask them things like- 'What do you think about root beer?'' What sort of car do you drive?' 'Have you noticed the lone survivor of tsunami's and other disasters always seems to be wearing a yankee cap?' and of course 'were you ever at Ebbetts Field? I saw a dodger game there that i remember like it was yesterday." In fact you can be sure that if Elizabeth Smart were on he would ask HER if she had been to Ebbett's Field, what sort of cars she drives, if she would ever wear fur and if she thinks GLEE is a good show.
Perhaps the most pertinent moment in recent journalism we saw on Larry King Live was when, during an interview, Balloon Boy's dad made damning, self incriminating statements that ultimately landed him in jail. Of course,on the night in question it was guest host Wolf Blitzer who blindsided richard henney by asking un-Larry like question that spoke to the facts. So appropriately, Larry himself has nothing to do with the some of the best broadcasts of his show, which CNN slothfully airs twice in prime time.
It has been observed Larry resembles an angry bull frog. His wikipedia pictures bare this out. I think he looks more like the Crypt Keeper puppet from that old HBO 'Tales from the Crypt"show.
Larry has a signature style which is built around him having undeniably the worst line of questioning of any interviewer; the man is a veritable anti-Barbara Walters, which makes people glad he was never a detective. People also speculate what kind of questions he would ask various Historical Figures. With my research, based on extensive viewing of his show, i will attempt to answer that question-
To Mary Todd Lincoln- "Everything else aside, would you recommend the play?
To George Washington- "Where can a guy get a coat like that?"
To George S Patton- "where's the worst place your car ever broke down on you?"
To Jesus- " How do you manage to comb your hair with that halo and the crown of thorns?"
To Franklin Delano Roosevelt, "They say Churchill had a talking parrot, is that true?"
To Adolf Hitler-"what made you decide to become a vegetarian?"
To Napoleon -"How was the fishing at Elba?"
To Richard Nixon- "what kind of audio tape do you prefer? Cassette or reel to reel?"
To Michaelangelo- "When you painted the ceiling of the Cistine Chapel did you ever fall asleep? What with the lying on your back and all?"
To Harry Truman- "what did you have for breakfast the day the Enola Gay dropped the atomic bomb?"
To Julius Caesar- "How does it feel when you walk around Rome and you see a guy with the same haircut as you?"
To Bill Clinton- "During your eight years in office which Christmas stands out the most for you?"
Larry arrives at these questions in a way that every journalist probably jealously envies- He has justified lack of preparation with the brilliant ploy;"It's better to go in there cold, its how i do my best work". Certainly a hero to the slackers of the world in a way he would never be to journalists.
And so, in this Christmas season, with so many people out of work and desperate for a job, Larry is showing the same kind of action that has made him an everyman, he quit his job.
Sadly, now I will never achieve my dream of being a guest on Larry King Live and sitting in front of that dot matrix map of the world they've been using since the mid eighties. It's also a secret wish of all Americans to see his show become utterly paradoxical by him dying on the air. Alas, chances for that are really thin at the time of this Blog post.
We lose a vaunted broadcaster from the airwaves (or more precisely your basic cable package). We also lose his gushing praise of terrible ideas and talentless actors and actresses. "Des Moyne, Iowa hello!!! your on live with the noted thespian Brian Austin Green!"
Tonight it ends, the final broadcast will air and then the lights will go out, Larry will be strapped drooling into his wheelchair and CNN will begin the search for someone to fill the role of the person so blind to the issues they ask nothing but softball questions. Perhaps most importantly; we lose a man so full of shit that you could use him for a fake quote and be sure he would stand behind it if he were ever asked. On the back cover of my book i will be putting a fake endorsement from Larry, "a great read!"
Farewell Larry.
My final thoughts- on his ninth divorce is he now more experienced than most lawyers; or does he suck at that too? I bet he has the papers in trunk of his Lincoln Town Car just in case he gets the romantic whim of moving on to a new wife.

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