Thursday, February 3, 2011

Quitting Pot Without Trying

on december 26 i ran out of pot. As always i wanted more. That was they day of the 1st really heavy snow here in NYC. 20 inches. i found myself basically fiending. My connection in the Bronx was just too far away to get to for the huge sack of weed for 60 bucks and my hometown connection has great stuff but SUPER pricey. I blew it off for a day. That day turned into 3 the a week. After about 5 days i was starting not to miss it. Sure i had smoked twice as many cigarettes as usual, but coming down off of a buzz that was uninterrupted for something like 20 years was disconcerting to say the least. I was used to smoking weed day and night and refreshing my buzz every 20 -45 minutes til it was all gone. As soon as i started running low i would make plans to ensure i had more. It dawned on me that i was living from drug deal to drug deal and had put up a "marijuana Force Field" to filter reality.
For a long time i suffered undiagnosed from what can best be described as genetic leukemia. Not cancerous, but painful. When i wasn't high i was jittery, my hands would become numb, i would get agitated and angry. I thought it was because i couldn't function without weed. Turns out that i was simply becoming symptomatic when my buzz wore off. When they finally diagnosed me and gave me medication for a long time i still clung to the comfort of smoking reefer. It does still relieve my symptoms completely when i smoke it, but now they are manageable and its not the intense pain, mental anguish & numbness i once felt all the time when i wasn't stoned.
Looking back the pot both helped me and hanged me. I would probably not have been together enough to get out of college. On the other hand i didn't have the greatest grades. My biggest regret is not so much cocooning myself in a veil of pot smoke, but the fact i really could've done better in school and had more ambition for a better life.
The thing that convinced me that it was time to quit was when a couple of buddies came by for a day of drinking, grilling and watching football. One of my buddies busted out and i smoked for the first time in weeks. I felt that warm wave of intoxication wash over me. It was like the return of an old friend. My friend was even kind enoughto leave me some. The next day i smoked like i always had. When i ran out I was again snowed in an their was just no way to get my hands on any. I put it off again. Then i dealt with odd feelings the next day. I was feeling the symptoms of what most people describa as coming over them when they are high. I was paranoid, i was nervous, my short term meory was just awful. At one point i git nervous because i was unable to find my keys. I searched and searched until i finally found my facking HAND!! Of course lack of sensation in my hand had something to do with it, but thats when it came clear that i was still under the effects of the drug, albeit the negative ones. After a few more days i found out i had to relearn a couple of things but no big deal.
Since that day I have made one small purchase. It was a tiny bag and it lasted all week. I realized that i would always smoke as much as i had much faster than i wanted. I made concrete decision that i would not buy any more pot then i could smoke in one day ever again and that those days needed to be few and far between.
Even though I will be looking to smoke up the day of the Superbowl (its a tradition), I really haven't touched the stuff since the first Jet playoff win over wild card weekend.
I wish i could say a magic wand was waved and i was suddenly a super version of myself, but that just didn't happen. Instead there were lots of little little things that happened. I was less apprehensive. I was certainly more motivated. I was not transformed, but i was somewhat more evolved. Anytime i smoke weed i know i will not come clear of the effects for 48 hours and i just don't have that kind of time much anymore. Sure, its great for when a creative endeavor, like playing my guitar, but it fucked up too many other things.
So moving forward I have made a decision that pot will be a much smaller part of my life. The kind of thig i would do on vacation or when someone else busts out. It was an easy decision because circumstance had bought me so far without trying. I'm already making plans to use some of the money i saved to do some of theother things i love but neglected all these years. Travel more, chasing skirts a little more, eating sat some better establishments and going out for beers more often.
It's strange, but i have never felt better. Onward and upward!